Beaver Brewnette Amber Lager

Brewnette Lager
1 bottle, $1.79++, 5% ABV

Purchased at Crazy Bruce’s, West Hartford

[For no other reason that mildly humorous continuity, you should read at least one of the other two Beaver reviews before you read this one. It just works better that way.]

brewnetThe beer is pretty terrible. Definitely the worst of the disappointing initial 3-beer Beaver line-up. Beaver calls it “A delightfully well-rounded Vienna – Style Amber Lager” and if this is what people have to drink in Austria then, well, that sucks for them.

And I’m pretty sure the 3 marketing gurus behind the Beaver brand – 3 old white guys who surely giggled like schoolboys with all their beaver sex puns and references – don’t even think much of this beer either? Why? Well, because they have a distinct lack of corny/stupid sex/vagina references on their Brewnette page.

Beaver says:

Beaver Brewnette is brewed with a combination of high quality domestic 2-row and specialty malts. True to style, Beaver Brewnette is bittered and finished with Noble variety hops. Slowly fermented with lager yeast, it is conditioned for weeks to round the flavors for a toasty malt character. Medium bodied with an off-white, clinging head, Beaver Brewnette satisfies from first taste through its incredibly smooth finish. A pleasure to enjoy, after just a little time together you’ll be going steady.

Really boys? That’s it?! What do you have against brunettes? I’ve been busy being pissed off about all their stupid misogyny while writing up the other Beaver pages, but now I’m pissed that they don’t seem to have been able to find a way to have reduced a hair color to outdated sexualized terms!

My word. In their Blonde description they used aroused, lusty, gorgeous and “goes down.” For their Big Red page they went with heady, bodacious, sinfully and “bottoms up.” But for this ? My beloved brunettes got nothing but off-white, medium bodied, clinging and “going steady?!”

Seriously, What. T. F.

DSC03645My wife (NOT seen here) is a raven-haired beauty. She is not off-white or clingy and has a smokin’ body. She and the women I dated before her were also dark-haired lookers who fulfill Beaver’s blonde and redhead sexy adjectives far more than any blondes or redhead beavers I’ve known and… Hey!

“Dam” it! They’ve got me! They’ve got me playing their stupid frat boy games.


It’s funny that if you google image search “beaver” and its variants – with SafeSearch off – it’s still all just pictures of actual beavers for the most part. Like, that’s how out-dated using “beaver” to allude to a vagina is. Even porn sites don’t really use it anymore. (Upon further review, just googling something like “brunette beaver” does offer an array of naked women.)

So yeah, this beer sucks. It’s really sweet and yeasty and just seems like rotten beer. In fact, BeerAdvocate reviewed it in their magazine and wrote, “Chalk this one up as a major disconnect between “beer company” and “contract brewer.” A lager should not be released in this condition.”

Oof. Eat it, Beaver.

Argh! Dam it.

Argh! Damn.

Overall Rating: D
Rating vs. Similar style: D-

Beer Advocate’s Reviews of Brewnette Lager
Beaver Beer
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